Second Battle, Same Me

Category: Same Me

  • 🎮 Level 68 Fn Fantabulous

    Later this month, I’ll zone up to Level 69 (which doesn’t sound right, since you start life at Level Zero, but I don’t make the rules — I just play this weird game called Life).

    Now that I’ve almost completed Level 68, I’ve learned something important: I apparently prefer struggling through things by myself over simply asking for help. Somewhere along the way, that became a mental defect — or maybe it’s written into the game rules none of us have access to. Either way, I seem to be a solo-quest kind of girl.

    And when you add in my ongoing battle with Chemo Boy, well, asking for help feels like handing him bonus points. He feeds off weakness. I’m convinced if I ask for help, he levels up somewhere in the background, unlocking an “Extra Pain” weapon pack. And I am not giving him that satisfaction.

    The Quest for Light

    So this morning’s solo mission? Find light.
    I woke up early to write, the house was dark, and I thought to myself — “Self,” (and I knew it was me because I recognized my voice — I love that old joke, and yes, full credit to whoever first wrote it).

    Anyway. Back to the quest.

    I thought, I need a lighted keyboard. Do I have one? Hmm. I Google it. Google tells me to grab a flashlight and look for a “keyboard with lines through it” symbol. So I go on an actual flashlight hunt — in the dark — to look for a symbol that literally means “light.” You can’t make this stuff up.

    Of course, there’s no symbol. Then Google says, press the Fn key and the wiggly keyboard key.

    Excuse me — the what key? The Fn key?
    I swear I had never seen such a thing in my life. Level 68 or Chemo Brain — take your pick. But after a small archaeological dig across my keyboard, I found it! Because I am nothing if not determined not to ask for help.

    The Magic Combo

    Back to Google (which doesn’t count as asking for help — that’s a resource, like a library for the socially stubborn).

    Turns out I just needed to press Fn + Space Bar.
    I do it. And — miracle of miracles — my keyboard lights up like Times Square.

    Fn-tastic. Fn-bulous. Fn-nomenal.

    I was so proud of myself… until the mouse died.

    The Mouse That Mocked Me

    No joke, the mouse that was working five minutes ago suddenly decided to retire. My first thought: batteries. Nope. I toggled the power switch back and forth like a maniac — nothing.

    Finally, I realized the little Bluetooth light was off. Because of course it was. After a few rounds of trial, error, and mild cursing, I managed to reconnect it. Success! Mouse revived. Chemo Boy zero.

    Wait… What Was I Doing Again?

    There was just one more small problem.
    I have no idea what I originally got up to write about.

    So here we are:

    • The sun’s coming up over the lake.
    • I’m feeling good.
    • Sassy has already informed me that she’s scheduling three walks today because, quote, “Mama, you’re making me fat.”
      Her words, not mine.

    So, that’s today’s adventure: backlit victory, Bluetooth betrayal, and total topic amnesia.

    Moral of the story:
    Never give up, never give in — and don’t underestimate the power of the Fn key.

  • Today I Choose Joy

    This morning I sat in the almost-dark and watched the sky split itself open. Every day really is a blank canvas, but let’s be honest—most of the strokes are thrown on by things I’ll never control. Life doesn’t exactly wait for my approval before it slaps paint around.

    So I start where I can: ordering the little pieces that actually belong to me. Call it self-care, call it survival, call it refusing to let the day turn beige.

    As the sky softened into light, I decided—resolved, even—that I’d throw some light of my own around today. Maybe for myself, maybe for anyone who crosses my path. The geese flew overhead in their messy V, reminding me that forward is the only direction that counts. And the blue heron strutted across the water like it owned the place, reminding me to stay exactly where I am, no apologies.

    So here’s the palette I’m grabbing: joy.

    • Joy in the fact that I woke up vertical.
    • Joy in feeling well enough to move, not just moan.
    • Joy in time with my granddaughter—even at 25, when she’s not giggling but building her own damn life and still making me proud.
    • Joy in collapsing for a nap without guilt.
    • Joy in dancing if the music insists, even if it looks like a medical emergency.

    That’s today’s order. Joy, bold strokes, no beige allowed. Maybe you should order some too.

  • My Idea of the Perfect Date!

    For me, today—October 2, 2025—was the perfect date.

    The sun was warm but the breeze carried just enough autumn chill to keep the leaves dancing off the trees. It was one of those days where you can breathe deeper, walk slower, and not feel guilty about either.

    I woke up with a song in my head—sorry, no romance here—it was Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah. My dad used to sing that to me when I was little, and this morning it felt exactly right: My oh my, what a wonderful day.

    Here’s the kicker: no part of my body hurt. That alone could’ve made it the perfect day. But then—bonus points—I was gifted the most relaxing massage. Afterwards I got time with my precious granddaughter, the kind that fills your heart without draining your energy.

    Later, I drove peacefully to the lake, with my girl Sassy, watching leaves twirl and tumble in their autumn dance. At one point I stopped at a store and, without shame, practically Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah‘d from the car to the store and back again. Sassy was likely mortified.

    By late afternoon, I had time to sit outside. I even took a nap out there, wrapped up in the perfect mix of warmth and breeze. And now, as I watch the sun slide down the sky, I can say it again: today was the perfect date.

    It wasn’t too hot. It wasn’t too cold. I didn’t need a light jacket.
    And best of all—I didn’t think about cancer all damn day.

    I want to take a moment to acknowledge something important. The movie Song of the South and its song Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah have not stood the test of time, and I understand the hurt it can represent. That film came out long before I was born, but my connection to the song is personal—I loved it because my Daddy used to sing it to me when I was little. That memory still brings me joy.

    I never want to cause offense, so please accept my apology if my reference to the song was upsetting in any way. 💚

  • Self Care This Morning

    Photo by Photo By: Kaboompics.com on Pexels.com

    There is no blog post today because, at this very minute, I’m enjoying the most relaxing massage — a gift from a very dear friend.

    After listening to my heart, I realized I need more of this: more quiet moments, more relaxing adventures, and more time with dear friends who remind me to pause. 💚

  • October is my birthday MONTH

  • Sassy Walks V3

    Three for Three

    This morning, Mom was in the kitchen acting all kinds of crazy — singing, dancing, twirling around like humans do when they think they’re having “fun.” I knew right away: if she had that much energy, she was definitely ready for a walk.

    I tried to wrangle her immediately, but then came the eggs. Eggs are my weakness. She always shares a bite, so of course I had to wait it out.

    Next distraction? That computer. She muttered to herself for a full hour before prancing off to the printer like it was Christmas morning. Perfect ambush spot. I trapped her at the doorway of “her” room (aka the Cave of Crap) and pushed her straight toward the front door. She knew what I meant. Leash on, drizzle outside, painfully slow loop around the yard — but hey, we did it.

    After that, she needed a nap. I stretched out right beside her, on guard. When she stirred, I pounced — ears up, eyes locked, leash ready. Yard loop number two.

    Later, I noticed her clutching the railing after just two steps. Okay, Wonder Dog knows when to call it. I let her rest. No toys, no snack raids. I just waited. And waited. Through 50 phone calls (ugh, she never shuts up).

    Finally, the blankets rustled. My moment. I unleashed the Sad Dog Eyes™. A tiny whine. Boom — success. Yard loop number three.

    Three walks in one day. Who’s the best motivator, protector, and leash-wielding life coach? Me. They don’t call me Sassy the Wonder Dog for nothing.

    Mom was wiped out but still managed to hand over a big treat. Score for both of us. Tomorrow? Road walk. I’ve got plans.

    Sassy Ready And Waiting

  • Hearing Your Heart

    Today, a friend I haven’t seen in a long while reached out. She didn’t know my cancer was back. She didn’t know I was in treatment again. She just said, “I would love to hear your heart.”

    That line stopped me cold.
    Not “let’s catch up.” Not “tell me what’s been going on.”
    She wanted to hear my heart.

    And that got me thinking: what kind of peace, what kind of love does a person carry when they care less about your circumstances and more about your heart?

    Do I even listen to mine?
    Sure, when it comes to the big-ticket items—marriage, kids, family, love. Those are the moments when you’re “supposed” to listen to your heart.

    But do I listen to it daily?
    When I wake up bone-tired.
    When the chemo wall hits and knocks me flat.
    When Sassy drags me down the driveway like a reluctant sled dog.
    Do I stop and check in?

    Truth: most days, my head is way louder than my heart. My head is bossy. It says:

    • Take the meds.
    • Keep walking.
    • Don’t puke in public.
    • Try to be funny about this so people aren’t uncomfortable.

    Meanwhile, my heart whispers. And I ignore it. Because sometimes, my heart says stuff I don’t want to hear—like “rest” when I’d rather power through, or “cry” when I’d rather throw up a sarcastic one-liner. Or, “it’s ok to be mad about this” when I don’t want to think about that.

    But my friend’s words have been simmering all day.
    Maybe what she really offered me was permission.
    Permission to pause. Permission to tune in. Permission to let my heart speak, even if it doesn’t have the right words, even if it stutters.

    So I asked myself: what does my heart say right now?

    And here’s the messy, beautiful, unfinished truth:

    • I’m still here, even if this is not what I planned to do this year.
    • I’m still fighting, and will not stop.
    • I still love, and need to show myself a little more of that.
    • I still have stories to tell.

    That’s my heart.
    Maybe small. Maybe quiet. Maybe shaky.
    But it’s still beating. And today, someone wanted to hear it.

  • And just like that –

    The Wall Meets Udenyca

    Within 24 hours of slamming face-first into The Wall, it retreated.
    I give full credit to the tiny (yet monstrous) contraption known as the Udenyca On-Body Injector—a device slapped onto my arm right after chemo. Supposedly, it waits 18 hours before releasing its magical (and slightly terrifying) payload of medicine. If you’d like the medical mumbo-jumbo, you can check the official site here: udenyca.com.

    But if you’d rather hear it the way it really went down, buckle up.

    How It Works (According to Me)

    On Friday, they stuck this little white box on the fatty part of my arm (nurse’s words, not mine). Imagine half a computer mouse, only bulkier, and now imagine me banging it into every wall, chair, or doorframe in my house. Chemo makes me clumsy; add a plastic box to my arm and I become a human demolition derby.

    The device waits. Then, exactly 18 hours later—2 p.m. on Saturday in my case—it explodes into action. Note the description explodes please!

    The Moment of Truth

    I was napping, minding my own business, when suddenly:

    • A jet engine fired up inside my arm.
    • A samurai sword stabbed me in the exact same spot.
    • And then, as if I’d just licked a battery, I could taste the medicine.

    For one delirious second, I thought I’d dreamed it all. But the little green light that had been flashing turned solid—meaning the beast had done its job. No dream. 100% real. WTF.

    The Aftermath

    Once the pain subsided and the device wheezed its last mechanical breath, I lay there still trying to understand what happened

    Of course, being the overachiever I am, I immediately read the list of possible side effects. Big mistake. (Pro tip: if you don’t want to imagine yourself sprouting hobbit-feet hair or growing elf-ears, don’t read the fine print. These are not actual side-effects, but they are more desirable than the actual possible effects. Just saying.)

    Today

    This morning, I realized something shocking: I actually felt better. The nausea and exhaustion that had pinned me to the floor the day before started lifting.

    So here I am—up, moving, and cautiously optimistic. The Wall may have knocked me flat, but with a little help from science, samurai swords, and jet engines, I got back up.

    This cancer fight is brutal, unpredictable, and weirdly comical at times. Yesterday was down. Today is up. Tomorrow? I’ll keep fighting.

    👉 Every day is a battle. Some days I hit the Wall. Some days I walk away from it. But I’m still here—and that’s what matters.

  • The Wall

    Every cancer patient who’s ever taken chemo knows about the Wall.


    It’s out there—lurking around the corner—just waiting to remind you that chemo doesn’t f***ing play. It can show up once, twice, or stick around to let you know things are about to get real for a long-ass time.

    Yesterday, I slammed right into it.

    Clue #1: Standing up, minding my own business, feeling like my body was about to collapse straight to the floor.

    Clue #2: My personal favorite—great waves of liquid exiting my body from all possible orifices, burning like I was sliding down a razor blade the whole way.

    When that was over, I slept five more hours like a baby. (There’s always a blessing somewhere, right?)

    The rest of the day was almost normal. I ate. I kept it down. I slept well last night—though don’t get the idea that sleep was some natural miracle. It came courtesy of prescribed medication. I took the pills. I slept. I was happy with that.

    This morning, I’m trying to figure out if I’m still clinging to the Wall. Dizzy when I stood up—clue? Spilled a glass of water and felt exhausted cleaning it up—another clue?

    And then I thought of the hundreds of thousands of people who were taken on death marches by their enemies—tired, confused, sick, exhausted—yet still driven forward by the will to live.

    I have that will to live too.

    If I keep meeting the Wall day after day, I’m not going to give up. But I know I’m going to need your encouragement along the way.

    And if someone could whip up some real mashed potatoes like Grandma used to make—and a bowl of real brown gravy—and drop them off, I’m sure it would help me fight the Wall. (Or maybe it would just fly right through me. Either way, it would taste like heaven going down and that would be good enough for today.)

    If you like my blog, please share it with your friends and encourage them to subscribe. I feel bad just blurting this word vomit out on the same few people. Spread the misery, like and share! ❤️❤️❤️

  • Chemo Chronicles V4

    Oh my gosh, oh my gosh you guys—guess who drew the short straw again? 🙋‍♀️ Yep, me.

    But hold on—this time the universe threw me a bone.

    • My port gave up blood without a single hissy fit.
    • My numbers came back high enough to keep going.
    • And get this: two hours. That’s it. TWO HOURS of chemo.

    I don’t know if it was my lucky shirt, or maybe channeling my mom calling out “Big Money!” before she rolled the dice at the kitchen table. But somehow, today the chemo room was a blink instead of a marathon.

    The nurses strapped a new little gadget onto my arm—like some weird futuristic bracelet—that’s set to shoot “life juice” into my veins tomorrow. Supposedly, it’ll beef up my white counts. Honestly, it feels a little sci-fi, but hey, if it works, I’m in.

    The chemo room itself was pretty calm today—no drama, no chaos. To my left, a husband stayed by his wife’s side the whole time. Sweet as pie, and a good reminder that not all superheroes wear capes—sometimes they sit quietly in vinyl chairs.

    And then there was the new lady in Lookout Chair #11. Let me tell you, she showed up like it was Fashion Week. Gorgeous dress, killer high heels that would’ve sent me face-planting in under thirty seconds. I loved it. She wasn’t here to look sick—she was here to shine. And it worked.

    No chemo next week, which means I get a break from the chair and a chance to rest up for whatever adventures are waiting. (Spoiler: probably not heels that high. Ever.)